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Looking back

The lady opposite me has had an op and has a Stoma for the first time. Listening to the nurse explain how to manage the Stoma and bag is taking me back to when I had my Stoma in 2009. 

I remember the first time the Stoma nurse came to change the bag and I just sat and cried. She wanted me to try and help but I just couldn't. I couldn't move my hands. It was as if I was paralysed. I looked down to see this thing sticking out my stomach wall. This pink, hosepipe looking thing that moved about on it's own and where poo came out. How would I cope with it. I was 26 and it felt like my life was over. 

I hear the lady opposite ask if she can have a shower with the bag on. Seems like a daft question but when you wake up with a Stoma you have all these questions going round and round your head. I remember asking my Stoma nurse if I could still use tampons. She laughed, though not at me, and told me kindly that they hadn't touched that hole! 

A few days after my surgery I vividly remember the Stoma nurse bringing me a portable DVD player with a DVD about stomas, how to change them, empty them etc. I was sat in the tall, green high backed chair by the side of my bed. She put the DVD player on the table and pulled it in front of me. I was wearing a hospital gown but it wasn't done up at the back. My hair was scraped up on top of my head and my feet were swollen. I looked at the DVD player but I couldn't see anything through the tears. I don't know what the DVD actually showed because although I was looking at the screen I was staring past it, into space, crying my eyes out. I sat wondering whether my now husband would still fancy me (we weren't married when I had the op), how I would ever be able to look after the kids who were little more than babies at the time, whether I would smell, why it had happened to me, that it was all so unfair. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. 

It's made me realise what a journey I've been on for the last 5 years. I've gone from being frightened and not having any control over what happens to me and my body to being informed and empowered. I've trawled the internet, reading up about colitis and IBD, spoken to other patients, doctors and nurses trying to understand as much as I can about the illness I've been blessed with. 

It's taken a lot of time (and therapy sessions) to come to terms with how my life has panned out. This wasn't the life I had dreamed of and so I've grieved for the life I think I should have had. I've been angry, sad, bitter and asked 'why me?' a million times...but I've realised that all those negative emotions do is to destroy you, slowly from the inside out and stop you from living the life that you have. It's not the life I wanted but it's the life I've got. And I might as well try to make the most if it. 



And so in 15 days (not that I'm counting or anything) I'm meeting some of my oldest (and bestest) friends and we plan to tick a few things off my bucket list. The four of us went to school together and are scattered all over the country now. Three of us are married and we have the final wedding to look forward to next year. Two of them are expecting late this year aswell so there's lots to look forward to. These pictures kinda sum up our friendship. 



NB x


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