It must have been around the
time of Natalie's diagnosis that I met her. We were both volunteering
for the local branch of our NCT and as our children were the same age
she introduced me to her coffee group. I remember her telling a mutual
friend about her colitis. I'd never heard of it before and had no idea.
Every time I saw Natalie she looked fab, had recently lost lots of
weight and was so positive and happy. I had no idea. And then she went
into hospital as she was so poorly and her bowel perforated while she
was there.
We are both very close in age and have children of a similar ages and I couldn't help but think how I would cope under similar circumstances.
I went to visit her after the operation in HDU and almost immediately she showed me her stoma, saying she just wanted to show people, get the questions out of the way. Through the next weeks I helped her plan the final bits of her wedding from her hospital bed and then watched her marry her wonderful husband in the most emotional ceremony I have ever been to. I still had no idea. She was still poorly and in pain but surely the operation would in part make her better.
But that didn't happen. I watched her over the next 5 years struggle with her illness. Not just physically but emotionally. I've watched her feel guilty for all the things she has missed out on with her children and her husband. I watched her try her hardest to keep things as normal as possible for her children, often making herself feel worse, but I understood she needed to do it for her own sanity. It wasn't just about keeping it normal for the kids, she needed to do some normal things for herself. It's hard to watch her pushing herself to her limits without comment and without interfering but I knew I just had to be there to support her when she needed it.
But the worst for me is watching her in pain as nothing I can say or do can make this easier. I can hold her hand or stroke her head or just be there with her but nothing I can say or do would take it away. On a few occasions I arrived to visit her in hospital only to find her crying in agony or sometimes even more scary almost immobile and silent as every movement hurt her so much. One occasion sticks in my head. Both our families had had a day out together. I knew Nat was in pain but she was doing well and keeping a brave face for the children. We got in our own cars to go home. Only a short while down the road her hubby calls to ask if we can meet them at the hospital and take the kids home as Natalie needed to go to A&E. We arrive an hour or so later and she is unable to move sit or speak due to the pain. My kids caught a glimpse as she got out of the car and were really shocked but her children had seen it so often it was normal. I cried most of the journey home, not just for seeing my friend like that, or the look on her husbands face but for the fact it was so normal for her children and that was so wrong.
Then came her operation last year, the one that would make it all better and again I watched helplessly as she spent weeks in hospital.
This is the bit I find hard to write. I know Natalie had asked us to write these to help people understand how her illness has affected those around her but I hate to talk about me when she has gone through so much but here goes.
I missed my friend. I missed being able to pop round for tea, I missed being able to talk to her about things going on in my life, because as much as Nat was still there for me as much as she could be how could I put my worries and stresses on her? But not just my worries and stresses, how could I talk about the good things in my life when she had been separated from her children for weeks? And these are all things you take for granted with your best friends, things that normally you don't think twice about. Like telling her you are expecting a baby. I'd told my close family and wanted to tell Nat before any of my other friends. So my hubby and I went to visit her in hospital one evening. When I got there the curtains were around and she was with a dr. I could hear her crying. When they left I sat with her while she cried and listened to her talk. Doing my best to understand, but how can I truly when I have never HAD to spend a night away from my children? At this point she must have been there for 6+ weeks and had missed the whole summer holidays with them, missed their birthdays. So how could I tell her how happy I was, that what I had wanted for the past year had happened. So I didn't. I sat with her for a long as I could and then went home.
You may think so what? But this is just me trying to explain that there have been many occasions that after seeing what Natalie has been through I have felt guilty for being happy, guilty for being healthy, felt bad sharing news with her that highlights what she has missed out on. But I have to. She is my best friend and you can't have a close friendship unless you share what's happening in your lives. And Natalie would never forgive me if I kept stuff from her!
Meeting Natalie has changed my life. Not only have I met a friend for life but seeing what she has been through really puts things into perspective and makes you see what is important and how lucky you are.
I did tell her I was pregnant a few days later and as always she was happy for me and was there for me whilst I grew 'our' baby!
I didn't know anything about colitis before I met Natalie and have learnt so much over the last 6 years. I have googled everything and read many threads on the internet to help myself understand. But I will never understand what it's like to live with it. But hopefully with this blog and others like it sufferers can help people understand and raise awareness. As it's not a 'fashionable disease' it doesn't get the attention that other diseases do but the effect it has on sufferers and their families should not be ignored.
We are both very close in age and have children of a similar ages and I couldn't help but think how I would cope under similar circumstances.
I went to visit her after the operation in HDU and almost immediately she showed me her stoma, saying she just wanted to show people, get the questions out of the way. Through the next weeks I helped her plan the final bits of her wedding from her hospital bed and then watched her marry her wonderful husband in the most emotional ceremony I have ever been to. I still had no idea. She was still poorly and in pain but surely the operation would in part make her better.
But that didn't happen. I watched her over the next 5 years struggle with her illness. Not just physically but emotionally. I've watched her feel guilty for all the things she has missed out on with her children and her husband. I watched her try her hardest to keep things as normal as possible for her children, often making herself feel worse, but I understood she needed to do it for her own sanity. It wasn't just about keeping it normal for the kids, she needed to do some normal things for herself. It's hard to watch her pushing herself to her limits without comment and without interfering but I knew I just had to be there to support her when she needed it.
But the worst for me is watching her in pain as nothing I can say or do can make this easier. I can hold her hand or stroke her head or just be there with her but nothing I can say or do would take it away. On a few occasions I arrived to visit her in hospital only to find her crying in agony or sometimes even more scary almost immobile and silent as every movement hurt her so much. One occasion sticks in my head. Both our families had had a day out together. I knew Nat was in pain but she was doing well and keeping a brave face for the children. We got in our own cars to go home. Only a short while down the road her hubby calls to ask if we can meet them at the hospital and take the kids home as Natalie needed to go to A&E. We arrive an hour or so later and she is unable to move sit or speak due to the pain. My kids caught a glimpse as she got out of the car and were really shocked but her children had seen it so often it was normal. I cried most of the journey home, not just for seeing my friend like that, or the look on her husbands face but for the fact it was so normal for her children and that was so wrong.
Then came her operation last year, the one that would make it all better and again I watched helplessly as she spent weeks in hospital.
This is the bit I find hard to write. I know Natalie had asked us to write these to help people understand how her illness has affected those around her but I hate to talk about me when she has gone through so much but here goes.
I missed my friend. I missed being able to pop round for tea, I missed being able to talk to her about things going on in my life, because as much as Nat was still there for me as much as she could be how could I put my worries and stresses on her? But not just my worries and stresses, how could I talk about the good things in my life when she had been separated from her children for weeks? And these are all things you take for granted with your best friends, things that normally you don't think twice about. Like telling her you are expecting a baby. I'd told my close family and wanted to tell Nat before any of my other friends. So my hubby and I went to visit her in hospital one evening. When I got there the curtains were around and she was with a dr. I could hear her crying. When they left I sat with her while she cried and listened to her talk. Doing my best to understand, but how can I truly when I have never HAD to spend a night away from my children? At this point she must have been there for 6+ weeks and had missed the whole summer holidays with them, missed their birthdays. So how could I tell her how happy I was, that what I had wanted for the past year had happened. So I didn't. I sat with her for a long as I could and then went home.
You may think so what? But this is just me trying to explain that there have been many occasions that after seeing what Natalie has been through I have felt guilty for being happy, guilty for being healthy, felt bad sharing news with her that highlights what she has missed out on. But I have to. She is my best friend and you can't have a close friendship unless you share what's happening in your lives. And Natalie would never forgive me if I kept stuff from her!
Meeting Natalie has changed my life. Not only have I met a friend for life but seeing what she has been through really puts things into perspective and makes you see what is important and how lucky you are.
I did tell her I was pregnant a few days later and as always she was happy for me and was there for me whilst I grew 'our' baby!
I didn't know anything about colitis before I met Natalie and have learnt so much over the last 6 years. I have googled everything and read many threads on the internet to help myself understand. But I will never understand what it's like to live with it. But hopefully with this blog and others like it sufferers can help people understand and raise awareness. As it's not a 'fashionable disease' it doesn't get the attention that other diseases do but the effect it has on sufferers and their families should not be ignored.
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