The kids came to see me today which was lovely. We had a little picnic outside despite the fact that my whole body felt as though it was made of lead and hurt from top to toe.
What do you say to that???
During the picnic I had needed the loo so shuffled slowly there with the kids. "No need to come with me" I told Hubby "of course I will be ok". But I wasn't.
After being on the loo I felt dizzy and stumbled when I walked. I sat in the restaurant while the kids went to fetch hubby. When he arrived I stood up to walk but after a few steps the room started to spin, everything seemed to go black and my legs went from under me.
As I lay on the floor I could hear the kids shouting "Mum! Mum! Are you ok mum?" And I lay there in my husbands arms feeling helpless and guilty for what my kids had witnessed yet again.
I was taken back to bed, had a little bit more time with hubby and the kids and then it was time for them to go. A little while later the weekend doctor came to see me and decided that I'm dehydrated and need IV fluids.
You see I haven't had any IV fluids since Thursday afternoon. This is the longest period of time I've gone without them since I started having them last year. But after nearly 72 hours my body just couldn't last any longer.
So I currently hooked up, lying in bed writing this.
If told the kids to FaceTime me, thinking it would be a good way to keep in touch. So when my phone beeped not long ago I was expecting to say goodnight to the kids. I wasn't expecting to see my Big Fella sobbing and asking when I would be coming home.
My heart broke into a million pieces as I saw the tears roll down his cheeks, his chest heaving from crying so much. "Mummy I need you. When are you coming home?" he cried.
And I had to tell him that I didn't know. That I had to speak to Dr7 tomorrow and see what he plans to do. That I don't know if I will be home for his birthday. That I'm sorry. That I hate being in hospital and that I hate being away from him.
"Mummy. I need a cuddle. I need you!" he cried. And I told him that I had given daddy the power to give mummy cuddles and that Daddy would tuck him in tonight and give him a special mummy cuddle.
Do you have any idea what's it's like to see that? Do you have any idea what it feels like to hear your child cry like that. And to not be able to reach out and comfort them? To be the cause of their heartbreak?
Let me tell you. It haunts your every waking minute. It's with you when you close your eyes at night. The guilt overwhelms you and you worry that you are screwing up their childhood. That they will become emotionally disfunctional adults and sit in a therapists chair in 20 years time and blame you.
And then my phone pinged. It was a message from Big Fella (his are in grey, my replies are in blue)
And then another
So I tell him again that I have to talk to Dr7 in the morning and I tell him I love him.
Really? One word that tells me that my son wonders whether I love him. What child should ever wonder that?
Maybe facetiming wasn't such a good idea. I think they can cope better with my absence when they don't see me. If they don't see me then it's almost like they forget that I should be there and they just carry on with everyday life. And as much as I find that thought upsetting, I would rather that I get upset than them.
NB x
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