The night before

It's the night before my op. Tomorrow Surgeon A will do the 'Fanny Assessment' and I may or may not wake up without my stoma.

It's very strange to think that at some stage tomorrow they will be putting me to sleep and I won't know what they've actually done to me until I wake up. 

Will my stoma still be there? If it was I don't think I would actually be too sad. At least I know what I'm doing with it. Although that would mean there was a problem 'down there' that would probably requiring sorting out so not necessarily that appealing. 

I could wake up without it, in which case tonight was the last time I will change my bag and look down at my belly and see some of my bowel sticking out. To think that it will all be inside like other people is quite strange. 

In a way I feel quite sad. Although this stoma has been nothing but bloody trouble from the beginning without it I wouldn't be here. It literally saved my life. And I feel strangely attached to it. 

I've always said that my stoma doesn't define me- I've called my blog 'more than just a bag lady' for heavens sake because I want people to realise I am more than just someone with a stoma bag but actually it kind of does shape your whole life. 

For almost the last 5 years my stoma has determined what I can eat and drink, what clothes I wear (including underwear- I can't remember the last time I didn't wear big Bridget Jones style knickers!), where we've gone on holiday (or not as the case may be), whether I've been able to work, the medication I've needed, even my handbags as I've always needed one big enough to carry spare stoma supplies with me. 

It has influenced so many parts of my life and to think that it won't be there doing that is almost unbelievable. And a little bit scary. Better the devil you know eh?

I think that the frightening part is the not knowing. I have to put my complete faith and trust into Surgeon A tomorrow and know that whatever I wake up to is because he thinks that's the best and safest option for me. 

To be honest all I want is to live a normal life, without the pain I've been in and see my children grow up. Whether that's with a bag or not, well I really don't care.