Sunshine and sobbing

Today has been a mixture of highs and lows. It started off well, with plenty of promise and ended in tears. Here's what happened. 

I woke up this morning to sunshine streaming through the windows, brightening up the bay. I had asked the doctor yesterday if I could have a few hours of day release today which he agreed to so long as I was well, had had a good night and wasn't in a lot of pain. 

Feeling ok I text Hubby telling him to come and get me and I got dressed in normal clothes. 

I even managed a bit of makeup and was pleased that I looked vaguely 'normal'. 

I wanted to go out today as my very good friend had invited me, Hubby and the kids to her house to celebrate her sons birthday. The boy is in Big Girls class at school and they are a lovely Italian family. Whilst I've been unwell nothing is too much trouble for her, she's had the kids after school while my Hubby is at work, she's taken me to hospital appointments, taken me to M&S to get me out of the house and text me constantly to ask how I am, offer her help and tell me that I'm in her prayers. 

I really wanted to go as I knew it would make her really happy but I didn't want to say anything incase I wasn't well enough to go. 

I decided that it would be nice to surprise her. So I asked Hubby to drop me off at Boots so that I could restock my supplies for the coming week. He went to her house and as he got there he told her he had left the birthday present at home and could he leave the kids while he popped home to get it? In fact he was coming to pick me up. 

On an aside I just wanted to thank my brother in law for my new hot water bottle. I woke up at 2am lying in a puddle. My hot water bottle had leaked. Big style. I had suspicions it was on the way to hot water heaven as the last few nights there had been little leaks but nothing like last night. It was a good job that it wasn't boiling hot water otherwise I would be adding 3rd degree burns to my list of ailments. So I used the gift voucher that I received for Christmas to purchase a new one. Thank you!

Getting back to the party, I knocked on my friends front door and when she opened it and saw me the look on her face was priceless. She wiped away the tears and ushered me inside. She made her husband move from his spot on the sofa so that I could have a comfy seat, fetched extra cushions to prop me up and fussed over me like a mother hen. 

I was pleased that I had made her so happy and pleased for myself that I had managed to get out and get to the party. I had taken some microwave rice with me but she had made the most delicious potato salad (and I could eat that), had savoury rice on the buffet so I only to pick out the peppers and olives in it and she had ordered some vegetarian arenchini especially for me. (These are balls of risotto rice that are lightly fried and they are yummy)

The weather was amazing considering all the rain and winds we've been having and we sat in the garden watching the kids play with the Guinea pigs that had been let loose. Whats the betting my two start asking for one soon. It was great to feel the sun on my face and feel a sense of freedom after being cooped up on the ward for nearly 2 weeks. 

My kids were tired and asked to have their teddies from the car. They've both had these teddies since they were born and let's just say they've loved them almost to death. We call them 'scary teddy' as they have a fully stuffed head but no stuffing in their bodies; I think they are designed for newborns to be able to cuddle easily. 

I'd like to say that they only have them at bedtime but they tend to come in the car with us everywhere but I don't let them out of the car incase they get lost. The thought of losing them is too much to bear (no pun intended!) and on the occasions where we think they're lost we have spent hours looking for them, knowing that if they don't have them at bedtime all hell would break loose. 

Anyway, Big Girl had her teddy and came to sit on my lap. She snuggled in, sucking her fingers, sniffing her teddy and wanting to be rocked like a baby. I think she just needed me to hold her and I wished that time would stand still so I could cuddle her like this forever. 

Big Fella soon wanted a bit of attention when he saw Big Girl getting it all so after we had sung Happy Birthday, cut the cake and done a toast to his health and longevity then I sat with Big Fella with him cuddled in with teddy, sucking his thumb asking me to scratch his back (he likes me to do this, but gently, in circles, up and down, side to side). 

Then I looked at the time and realised that it was time to go back to the hospital. I had told the Sister that I would be back around 5 and she had said that I must be back for the 6pm drug round. 

Driving back the kids wanted me to sit in the back with them. We got Big Fellas school reading book and read that (one less thing for Hubby to do tonight) and then Big Girl wanted me to read some more of the BFG after my Dad had started reading it earlier in the week. So there I was with the two of them snuggled in as much as their seatbelts would allow listening to me read the BFG and do all the funny voices. 

"We're here" Hubby said and when I looked up I saw that we were back out St Marks. Because I had been reading the time had gone so fast and the journey had flown by. 

"Mummy, please don't leave us" said Big Girl. "I have to" I replied. "Please don't go back into hospital, stay with us" she begged. 

I told her that I would love to stay with them but that I had to get back to the ward for my medicine otherwise I would be poorly again. "You're always poorly" she said accusingly. I felt like I had been dealt a blow to the stomach. "I know and I'm sorry" I said, choking back the tears. I didn't want them to see me cry. 

"Please Mummy. Please stay. Please don't go" Big Fella said joining in. "Yes, please don't leave us" Big Girl sobbed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm going so give me a kiss and cuddle" I told them, maybe a little to briskly but I had to keep the ball in my throat from rising any further as if it got up then I would just break down. 

Giving them both a kiss and a cuddle I got out of the car, with them clinging onto me. Not an easy thing to do when you're sat in the middle of the back seats with a child on a booster seat either side of you determined to make it as difficult as possible for you to get out. I gave Hubby a quick kiss and cuddle because by this time the tears were pricking at my eyes. 

Walking towards the hospital I turned and waved and signed to them that I loved them. I could hear them shouting 'love you Mummy' and 'come back, don't leave us' as Hubby drove away. I walked into the hospital and cried. Great big heavy tears of pure despair. 

I have no idea how much longer I will be in for, nor when the tests will take place. I have no idea what's causing the pain and if its ever going to go away or get better. I have no idea how much longer Hubby will be able to hold it all together at home and I have no idea what damage all of this is doing to my children who don't deserve any of this. 

NB x