The last few months I've been in so much pain with my bowels and spent more hours than I can count on the loo. And so when Dr Bowtie refused to give me any help it really was the last straw. The days that followed I was so down but I realised that instead of looking for other people to solve my problems I would have a crack at doing it myself. So I have gone right back to basics. If I don't want poo coming out then I've got to stop putting food in. And that's exactly what I've done for the last 4 days. I have eaten nothing. Not a smidgen, not a crumb.
Day 1 was definitely the hardest. We all know what it's like starting a diet and wanting to eat everything that we've suddenly decided is off limits. But being stuck in hospital has definitely helped. When they came to take my meal orders I've just said that I don't want anything and then of course there's no food. It's not like being at home where you can go into the kitchen and stare at the fridge full of delights that it contains for the rest of the family or polish off the last bits of the kids dinner but still convince yourself that because you haven't sat down to eat you've actually not had anything all day. Here there is literally no food in my room apart from an unopened box of coco pops and jar of half eaten Nutella by the side of my bed.
On day 2 the kids paid me a surprise visit in the evening so that we could watch the Britains Got Talent Final all together. We love watching all those Saturday night tv shows as a family and secretly I was a bit gutted that they'd be sat on the sofa together at home while I'd be stuck watching it all on my tod. So in they piled with enough sweets, chocolates and fizzy drinks to start their own hospital trolley round but I remained resolute. Not one wispa bite, giant chocolate button, haribo, fruit pastille or minstrel passed my lips although I did routinely just put my nose in the bag to smell them so I didn't feel I was completely missing out.
Yesterday on day 3 I suffered the most crippling headaches and spent most of the day with my head pounding. It felt like there was a woodpecker continually hammering away at my forehead from the inside and it just would not go away. Because I felt so dreadful I just laid in bed flicking through the crappest selection of tv channels imaginable all showing a load of old shite. The tv producers must all assume that on bank holiday weekends people are either a) on holiday, b) doing some sort of DIY or c) have a life because the programming schedule consisted of reruns of 60 Minute Makeover, Bargain Hunt, 4 in a Bed and Come Dine With Me. And because everybody was busy doing either a), b) or c) I had no visitors so it felt like the longest day ever. It did pick up though when I started watching the Channel 4 comedy gala and sniffing the Nutella simultaneously (mmmm lovely Nutella *drools slightly*) but I was determined not to spoil the hard work of the last 72 hours and kept my fingers out of the jar.
I have to say that the results have been remarkable. From being in agony and going to the loo upwards of 30 times in a 24 hour period the pain has almost gone and I've only been to the loo 2 or 3 times which it what I can only imagine is what it's like for normal people. But the downside is that I am very hungry. One thing that has really surprised me is that for 4 days now I've ordered no food at all from the ward kitchen and nobody has questioned it or challenged me at all. Not the kitchen people, nor the nurses or doctors which I do find a tad worrying. One would think there would be some system in place to flag up to the medical staff if a patient isn't either ordering any food or eating the food that they've been given. Maybe it's because it's a gastro ward so they're used to patients having strange eating patterns or perhaps it's because I'm not a 'Nottingham' patient and they don't give a shit! They just think nothing to do with us, let St Marks sort her out. Who knows.
The thing is though I know I can't do this forever. I can't eat nothing and expect to feel ok. I know there's plenty of meat on the bones and it will take a good while for me to truly starve but I also know it can't be the healthiest way to manage the issue. The only long term way of sustaining it is if I have calories added to my TPN but that would need to be done under the supervision and guidance of the team at St Marks hospital. And how realistic is it to think that I can go through the rest of my life eating absolutely nothing? Eating plays such a huge part of our social interactions. Imagine dinner around the table with Hubby and the kids- gone. Going out for a meal with friends- gone. Sharing a bag of sweets at the cinema- gone. Enjoying a picnic in the park- gone. Having people round for a BBQ- gone. Enjoying the tastes of places that you holiday- gone. And there are countless other examples. So as much as I want to live a life that's pain free and not spend hours of every day on the loo to do it like this is quite a big trade off. I'm sure there are some people reading this that are thinking Are you mad woman? It's that simple. No eating, no problems. But I wonder how many of you could do it? Turn down the biscuit box as it's passed around the office or a friends front room. To flick through the plethera of food programmes without automatically reaching for something to eat? To sit at the table while everyone else is tucking in and have nothing? So it's really not that simple. It's as much to do with the mind as it is to do with the mouth and I think that if we're honest we all have a slightly fucked up relationship with food in one way or another. We use it to treat ourselves after a good day, to commiserate ourselves when something goes wrong, we eat when we're happy, when we're sad, when we're hormonal or because other people are eating. But one thing we very rarely do nowadays is eat because we're hungry. So the thought of not eating food again, ever, or hardly ever terrifies me. But then there's that little bit of my brain that says if this is the trade off to having a better quality of life wouldn't it be worth it? And the answer is, I honestly don't know.
I'm planning on maybe doing another day or two of eating absolutely nothing and then I'm going to start weaning myself as though I were a 6 month old baby. I'm going to start with very basic, bland flavours and textures that I know from the past I have been ok with and see if that's still the case. Yes, things like white rice, boiled carrot and stewed apple, maybe with a bit of custard and rice pudding thrown in for good luck. Although I'm not sure if dairy is something that is causing me problems so I will leave those until further down the line to introduce. I'm going to have one new food for 2 or 3 days and see how I react to it which could be a long and tedious process but will probably be the only way to do it. I've tried this in the past and after a couple of weeks got bored and galloped ahead to eating alsorts of everything but to know whether it's certain foods that send my bowels crazy or just food in general then it's the only way to do it. Wish me luck!
NB x
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