Today has been hard. I woke up this morning at about 10am after sleeping through the night for the first time in 4 weeks. I was in pain though and had such a bad headache I thought my head was going to explode. The one upside to being in hospital is that nothing is expected of you. There’s no chores to do and nothing stopping you from just staying in bed all day. So that’s what I did. Until around 1pm I got a phone call from Big Girl. I thought she was ringing to ask for money for her hairdressers appointment later in the day but instead I was greeted with her crying down the phone.
Between the sobs I managed to make out that she wasn’t feeling very well and that she felt sick. I could tell she was in the bathroom from the echoes and then I could hear her being horribly sick. She was very distressed as she was home alone. Hubby and Big Fella had gone with the rest of Hubby’s family into Nottingham city centre to see the Forest players in the market square celebrate their playoff win and subsequent promotion to the Premier League.
And I was stuck in hospital.
All I could do was listen to her cry and vomit and tell me she felt poorly and that she was going to pass out.
And I was stuck in hospital.
“I feel really poorly Mum. I need you” she told me.
And I was stuck in hospital.
I tried to soothe her and reassure her all while trying to get hold of Hubby. I knew it would be loud in the Market Square with thousands of fans celebrating and that he probably wouldn’t get my message or hear my calls so I sent out an SOS message to the family what’s app group asking someone to get him to ring me. I wondered what else I could do. My parents were away on holiday, my sister lives 45 minutes away and neither of my neighbours had replied to my messages.
And I was stuck in hospital.
After what felt like an eternity, Hubby text to say his phone was about to die but that he was heading home. While he drove home I stayed on the phone with Big Girl trying to help her the best I could. She was in a lot of pain and had begun hyperventilating so I talked her through some breathing exercises to try and calm her down. All the time I could feel the guilt building inside of me. My daughter shouldn’t have to go through something like this alone. I should be there to look after her, to cuddle her. It’s a mums job to make everything better for their kids isn’t it? And yet, there was absolutely nothing I could do.
I was stuck in hospital.
I might as well have been a million miles away on the bloody moon. I wanted to be there to cuddle her, to hold her hair back while she was sick, to give her some medicine and tuck her up in bed. I wanted to wipe away her tears while all the time the tears were building in me. Eventually I heard Hubby’s voice as he rushed into her room. He busied himself doing all the things that I should have done while I was stuck on the end of the phone. I wished I could be there but this bloody illness has me stuck in the hospital and feeling like a chocolate fucking teapot of a mother.
I do wonder if my kids will remember times like this and resent me for not being there. I resent the fact I’m not there. Funnily enough I can cope with missing out on the holidays, on the big events but it’s things like today, the minutiae of life that I hate missing. I have been unwell now for almost 15 years and over those years I have been robbed of so many everyday moments that other parents take for granted. The school runs, the time spent around the dinner table, the parents evenings and sports matches. I look at my kids who are approaching adulthood and I wonder how much time I have left with them before they fly the nest. And how much of that time I will be well enough to spend with them. Or how much of it will be spent, like today, stuck in hospital while life happens around me.
When Big Girl hung up the phone I sat in my bed and I cried. Great big heavy tears filled with guilt and sadness and regret. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to placate a child over the phone and I’m sure it won’t be the last I’m desperately hoping that the adalimumab will work some kind of magic and kick my bowel disease into remission so I can get on with the business of living and being a mum. I just want to be well enough to be at home, spend time with my family and make some memories. I don’t think I’m asking for much.
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