First time not eating in a restaurant

Today has been a good day. I managed to get up and have a shower, which is an achievement in itself and then the four of us went into the city centre to get the last few bits we needed for holiday. We put the wheelchair in the boot incase I needed it but I was able to manage with just my walking stick. Today was mainly shopping for Big Fella cause he keeps growing. Annoying how kids do that isn’t it? Usually I order everything online and get him to try it on at home because he’s a bloody nightmare at shopping but I didn’t want the hassle of having to do the returns. At first he refused to try stuff on, saying that he would try it on at home and then it could be returned if it didn’t fit but I frog marched him to the changing room and told him that I would take away his Xbox if he refuses to try the stuff on. Funnily enough he was a bit more cooperative after that!

After a couple of hours we met up with Big Girl’s boyfriend and his family and we all went to Pizza Express together. I am friends with his Mum so it’s not like it was some weird meeting of the inlaws! But this was the first time I had been to a restaurant since not being able to eat and I was nervous. When I went shopping with Big Girl earlier in the week she has wanted us to get food but I felt too self conscious to go to a restaurant and not eat when it was just me and her so we didn’t. This time though there was 8 of us so I thought I wouldn’t stand out so much.

I ordered an Appletise even though I don’t really drink and took sips of it throughout the meal. Big Fella wanted a pizza and dough balls so I ordered the dough balls as though they were for me so I didn’t have to explain to the waitress that I wasn’t eating. I did nibble on one or two and could see Hubby giving me evils but it’s very strange to sit at a table when everyone is eating and you’re not. I know it’s because he worries about me but he has to let me navigate this because it’s not him that’s going through it.

It was so great to catch up with my friend and we had such a laugh during the meal that it actually wasn’t too awkward sitting there not eating. I think it will definitely be easier to blend in during group meals and maybe once I’ve got a bit more confident I will be able to go out with Hubby or one of the kids and not feel like everyone is staring at me for not eating. I know some people who are on TPN and are unable to eat do the ‘chew and spit’ technique, which is exactly what it sounds like. They have food, chew it to get the taste of it and then spit it out so it doesn’t upset their insides. I’m not sure I could do this because I’m so forgetful I would end up swallowing instead of spitting (stop it, you’ve got a filthy mind!) Plus I think for me it’s easier to have nothing to eat because I find that then I’m not craving food or feeling hungry.

Holiday packing is continuing and I’m enjoying going through my wardrobe and trying on all my ‘thin clothes’ and finding that they now fit! Some of these bits I haven’t worn in over 8 years but I liked them too much to get rid of them. It’s saving me a small fortune! One thing I’m struggling with is jeans. I don’t want anything that’s too rigid around my tummy and after 18 months of pjs I can’t bear to have tight, skinny jeans on my legs; it feels so restrictive. Luckily I’ve got quite a few pairs of palazzo pants with wide, floaty legs so I think I will be sticking to those.

Caravan wankers

Over the last few years when I was stuck in hospital for long periods of time Hubby and I would talk about what we would do if I ever got ‘better’. During some of those times when I was so, so poorly the idea of just being at home for more than a few weeks at a time seemed like a far fetched dream. But I’m currently living that dream! And obviously I know I will never ‘get better’ but for these purposes ‘getting better’ meant being well enough to be at home, not in pain 24/7 and not in bed all day, every day. Not too much to ask now is it?? So in our talks, once I was at home and was well enough to do the real basic things like watch Big Fella play football, Big Girl play netball, go to Tesco, play with the dog, go to the cinema etc one thing kept cropping up. We would love to have a motor home and tour round the country. We talked about the places we would like to visit, how much Buddy the dog would love it and how it would give us a chance to reconnect with each other. But...

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More than just a bag lady

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