When I was opening my mail a couple of weeks ago there was an official looking envelope. I thought it was probably another bill (they seem to be coming thick and fast since we moved into the new house) but no, it was worse than that. It was a letter from the DWP (Department for Work and Pensions) telling me that I must to complete the enclosed capability for work questionnaire (pictured below in all its glory) within a few weeks or they will stop all of my benefit money.
Fan-bloody-tastic. Just what I need. Another million page booklet to fill in. I started to flick through but my head started spinning as I read the questions. I had to fill something like this in a while back when I was initially begging, sorry, requesting financial assistance from the government. I rather naively thought that as I have a chronic condition and that a number of doctors have told me that I'm never going to get any better and that this is as good as it's going to get that I thought that that would be the end of it. Stupid, stupid me.
I've watched enough channel 5 documentaries with the word 'benefit' in the title to know that the government think that the country's financial problems can be sorted by getting people off benefit or cutting benefits ...
So really it shouldn't have come as a shock to find another booklet for me to complete in an attempt to try and justify my sitting at home on my backside all day every day.
Don't get me wrong. I understand that the government cannot allow people to languish on ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) indefinitely and that it is only right and proper that people must provide updates on their condition/disability/illness in order to continue to receive said benefits. However, what really pisses me off that I have actually been retired from work as a result of my ill health and more than one doctor has said that I will never get better and will never be fit to return to the workplace in any capacity but that's still not enough. I need to provide further proof and still have to fill this out.
Being organised I filed the questionnaire in my 'to do' file but didn't actually do anything with it. After a week I got it out and started looking at it but my pouchitis had really kicked in and I was feeling like crap so I filed it away again. My plan was to do a bit each day but that didn't happen. Each time I looked at it I felt so overwhelmed I just couldn't put pen to paper. The questions appeared simple enough but the trouble was my answers to them weren't. My health is such a complicated mess that now trying to explain it seems an impossible task. I knew I had to get it done before the kids broke up from school for the Easter holidays because I knew I wouldn't have the time, energy or inclination to do it then but again the pouchitis got the better of me and I spent those last few precious child free days in bed. Week one of the holidays whizzed by, aided by a visit from a close friend and her kids and by the weekend I found myself bed bound again having over done it. But I could put it off no longer as I had just three days to get it filled out and posted back to them.
So I waited for the part of the afternoon where the painkillers have kicked in enough for me to comfortable but have started to wear off enough for me to be with it and then I began.
Name: yep, I can answer that one.
Date of birth: and that one.
National insurance number: I even know the answer to this one off by heart.
GP details: have to think and remember to put the Nottingham one and not the Hertfordshire one.
Specialist care: I list the consultants that I'm under and start thinking that I can do this. It's not that bad.
Please give details of your health condition/disability: Bugger. Where do I start? I don't know where to start. Start at the beginning. There's too much to write about. It's ok. Deep breath. You can do this. Come on!
After completing an additional sheet of A4 because there's not enough space in the booklet I feel as though I'm in the zone. After doing 3, I'm still going strong. After doing 5 I'm starting to get a bit worn out and after 6 I'm beginning to think it's ridiculous. No one should have this much to write about. Six becomes 7 and 7 becomes 8 and I realise that I've almost finished now. I look up at the clock and I've been sat there for 3 hours straight writing about how shit my life is. Just the sort of inspirational stuff you want to be writing about on a Sunday afternoon. I can't help getting upset. Seeing it all there in black and white is pretty shocking and to be honest that was the abridged version. The factual emotionless version that explained about the surgeries I have had, what they were for, what they should have achieved and the complications that inevitably arose but there was no mention of the terror I felt each time I was put under for each of these operations, the prayers I would fervently say begging to wake up again and see my kids grow up and the tears in my husbands eyes that he tried so hard to blink back. I tried to describe the effects years of ill health has had on me but how do you really convey the demons that you're left with? How can you explain that after years of fighting to live sometimes you're in so much pain that you wonder just how much longer you can keep fighting for? That you're tired. Not just sleepy tired but exhausted right through to your bones and that when you wake up in the morning your heart sinks because you know you've got another day to get through. How can I really explain this chronic condition to the person reading my form who is probably just completing a tick box exercise?
NB x
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