Inside Out

Last Sunday Hubby and I took the kids to see Inside Out at the cinema. 

Big Fella had been desperate to see it all summer holidays but we just never got round to it so he was really excited. As a general rule the kids don't like the cinema so we never really go. But I love do. I love it. So when I get to go, even if it is to see a kids film, I get very excited. 

I didn't know much about the film other than it was about a little girl, the emotions inside her head and that it was supposed to be very good. Which it was. But the reason it's made me write a blog post is because of how apt it was to the situation that our family is finding itself in. 

For those of you who haven't seen it (don't worry I won't spoil it for you) the little girls parents move house and state because of her Dad's job. CHECK. The little girl leaves behind all of the friends she has had since being tiny including her best friend. CHECK. She has to start a new school. CHECK. She doesn't like the new house. ALMOST CHECK (we don't even have a new house but you're getting the picture!) She tries to keep in touch with her friends but it's just not the same. CHECK. She has enough and runs away. CHECK. Only kidding! We've not reached that point. Yet. 

But the point I'm trying to make is that it was a case of art imitating real life and as we sat there I started to feel uncomfortable incase Big Girl had thought we had brought her to see that film for a reason. You see earlier in the week we had been having real problems. It's not really limited to last week. It's been going on for ages now (and before we moved too so that's not the cause but maybe one of many) but last week I guess you could say it all came to a head. 

To be precise it was 4 hours of her screaming, shouting, ranting, raving and crying. I think the straw that broke the camels back so to speak was that Hubby was in New York with work and she hates it when he's away. She panics about what would happen if I had to go into hospital and who would look after her which is something we've been dealing with for years. About 2 years ago she actually hid Hubbys car keys in an attempt to prevent him from driving to the airport and go abroad to work and this fear is obviously very deep rooted because it's there and displayed even when we are living with my parents and there is obviously someone to look after her and her brother if I was ill. 

I think there are other contributory factors like having to share a very small bedroom with her brother and having no space that's just hers. She has control issues and everything has to be her way and just so. The amateur psychoanalyst in me says that she has no control over how my illness affects her and our family as a whole so having things how she wants them in her room or wardrobe for example is her way of taking back some control. 

This outburst, tantrum, breakdown, whatever you want to call it was severe enough for me to book an appointment with the GP the next day and also see the deputy head of the school. The GP was a chocolate teapot. He was a doctor I would never have chosen to see ordinarily but I had to take whoever I got as the emergency doctor that day. Infact he was the doctor who 18 years ago felt my back through my sweater and told me I had a pulled muscle when I had infact fractured 2 vertebrae! So you see- I wasn't too happy to be seeing him. 

He said that because the school was being helpful and the school nurse was involved that he didn't know what else he could do. As I you can imagine, if you book an emergency appointment with a GP and ask for help to deal with your daughter who you fear has emotional problems that you can no longer cope with and are outside your remit as a mother you've got to be at the end of your tether and asking for help. So after saying he didn't know what I was there for I started to cry. He then went on to say that perhaps it was me with the problem and that it was just that I couldn't cope with her and perhaps I should book an appointment to discuss my own emotional health. Well fuck you doctor. 

So we went back to school and had a chat with the deputy head again. I can't praise the new school highly enough. The last school said all the right things but never actually followed through on them or seemed to genuinely care. The new school have made us feel so welcome and have built up such a fantastic relationship with the whole family in such a short space of time. They ask how I am if they know I've been in hospital or had a bad day, they check on the kids if they know they're going through a difficult time and the Head even walked Big Girl part of the way home after she got cold feet about walking home on her own. That would never have happened in the last school. They work on a first name basis which makes us as parents feel like an equal rather than them being the ones in power by having to call them Mrs X or Mr Y and there's the feeling that nothing is too much trouble for them. On that day when I was talking to the deputy about Big Girl having a phobia of going to see the GP she even offered to come with us. I was blown away. 

The school nurse recommended a play therapy service that could come into the school and work with both the children but there's the usual issue of cost. But rather than dismiss it straight away (as happened in the past at their last school) the deputy said that she knew that the children needed this and that the school would simply find the money somewhere. It's amazing having such support because I ding have my usual network of mums around me to either help me out with the kids or just to stop me from cracking up. I am starting to make friends with the school mums slowly but obviously this takes time and a lot of effort. 

Over the last week Big Girl has tried really hard to be good and control her emotions. I think having a home-school diary had helped. I write in it how she has behaved at school and either her class teacher, the deputy or the head will talk to her about it and then they write about how she's been at school and celebrate any successes. The idea is to bridge the gap between the behaviour she exhibits at school and at home. I've also been a lot stricter on bedtimes as I think being tired makes her cranky and found that bedtimes are one of the few things that actually bother her. You can put her on time out, ground her and take her iPad away but it has no impact on her. But tell her that as a result of her behaviour she has to go to bed before her brother and boom! One night in the week they had both been a bloody nightmare and I just couldn't cope so put them both to bed at 7pm. The next day they behaved so much better!

For half term we are going back to Hertfordshire and staying with bestie. I think that this could go one of two ways. It could be great and have no repercussions or it could bring back the feelings of not wanting to have moved and cause problems once we are back in Nottingham. Who knows. Hopefully it will be ok and the kids will be able to say goodbye once the time comes. Hopefully I will too but I suspect there will be quite a few tears shed on Thursday night. 

NB x