Skip to main content

Going home

After 4 weeks in hospital the doctors have told me I can go home tomorrow. I text a few family and friends earlier to tell them and they're so excited. So why aren't I?

It's not that I don't want to go home. I do. Desperately. I want to wake up in the mornings next to my husband. I want to put my kids to bed at night and watch them sleep, looking like angels. I want to go to Tesco and do laundry and all the other boring stuff that makes up life. 

But it wasn't supposed to be like this. 


In my head I was going to come into hospital, have the operation and come home 'fixed'. Maybe I'd told the kids that simplified version so many times that I had started to believe that it really was that simple. 

According to the pre-op letter I was only supposed to be in 4 nights, but we told the kids 2 weeks just to be on the safe side. I never imagined that I would be in for double that. I should have known really that this is me we're talking about and nothing ever goes to plan. 

I certainly didn't expect to be coming home still needing TPN (feed). I was hoping that I would be able to clear all the medical equipment out of the house so that it no longer resembled a community hospital but it seems the drip stand and that bloody rucksack will be with me for some time yet. 

As it stands I'm on liquids only at the moment so will need 'topping up' until I'm eating and drinking properly. That could be weeks. It could be months. No-one knows. 

I also didn't expect there to be this much pain. I knew I would have pain immediately after the surgery but I expected it to die down and then go away. Maybe I wasn't being realistic. Maybe I was hoping that was how it would be. 

I thought that that they would take the Stoma away and everything would be fine. I would be 'normal' again. But I'm still left with insides jumbled up, full of adhesions and scar tissue. My stomach still resembles an AA road map and I'm still going to need medication to keep everything ticking over, at least for now. 

What I have to try and remember is that the operation was successful, I didn't need that second emergency operation and there's nothing majorly wrong with my bowels other than them being stubborn and refusing to work quite as they should. I have bowels with attitude...would you expect anything less from me?

Writing this has made me realise I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm sure my kids won't care if I'm having to 'hook up' to feed at home, because I will be at home. And that's the important thing. It doesn't matter if I can only drink ensures and eat mash and gravy at home, because I will be at home. It doesn't matter that it wasn't supposed to like this. Because I will be at home. 

Actually, I'm quite excited now about going home. I'm still a bit scared and I know there's still a long road ahead of me. But I'm going home! 
I'M GOING HOME! 
I'M ACTUALLY GOING HOME! 

NB x

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It’s a full time job having a chronic health condition

Yesterday was a super busy day and today I’m knackered. I had 4 hospital appointments at 3 different hospitals and spent all day either sat in a waiting room or driving between hospitals!!  First off I had an appointment at 9am at the Treatment centre. This was to get my 3 monthly injection that puts me into menopause to control my endometriosis symptoms. Because it was so early I had to be organised the night before and make sure I was connected to my feed early. It runs for 12 hours and I have to factor in the time it takes to disconnect in the morning so I had to be hooked up by 7.30pm at the latest on Wednesday night.  After I had been jabbed in my bottom I went over to QMC hospital to see the specialist nurse on F22, the gastro ward. In January I had a new Hickman line inserted on the right side of my chest and where they removed the old line from the left side I had a wound that took ages to heal. For 6-8 weeks there was green gunk coming out what was basically a hole in...
Post a Comment
Read more

Holiday from hell

My first week in Cornwall was amazing. Me, Hubby and the kids spent the week near Porthleven along with all Hubby’s family in a big house with its own pool and hot tub. The kids had a great time with their cousins, we celebrated Big Girl’s birthday, went to the beach, ate together, played games in the evening and just generally had a wonderful time. It was the holiday I had dared to dream about while I was in hospital amd I couldn’t believe I was well enough to enjoy it. No, I wasn’t able to eat and drink but that was a small price to pay to be making memories with my loved ones. At the end of the week we packed up the car and drove to St Ives where we had booked a fisherman’s cottage one minute from the beach with my parents. My sister and her husband would be staying nearby and Big Girl’s boyfriend and his family were also staying in St Ives at the same time. I’m good friends with his Mum so I was really looking forward to having a great second week with even more of my favourite peo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Disability benefits cuts

So in Rachel Reeves spring statement earlier this week it was confirmed that there will be massive changes to the benefits system including the way that PIP is assessed and changes to the health element of Universal credit.  As someone who is receipt of both PIP and ESA disability benefits I find this whole situation…  🔲 terrifying  🔲 baffling  🔲 rage inducing  🔲 disgusting  🔲 [all of the above] I honestly cannot believe that a LABOUR government is looking to balance the books of the country by taking money from some of the poorest and most vulnerable in our society. This is the sort of thing I would have expected the Tories to do but when I voted Labour I honestly thought that not only would they look after and protect the neediest but they would actually make things in our society better and fairer. How wrong I was. Looks like I’m going to have to get some ‘Fuck Labour’ merch to go along with my ‘Fuck the Tories’ stuff I already own!  Now I do b...
Post a Comment
Read more