Unemployed

It may surprise some of you who read this blog to know that up until today I had a job. Albeit I haven't worked for nearly a year and a half but technically I was employed. But that now all that has changed as of today. 

Realising that I wasn't going to be able to return to work hit me quite hard. Lots of people dream of the day they no longer have to work. Infact every birthday I used to joke that I was another year closer to retirement. But again it's one of those instances that when you don't really have a choice or someone or something tells you that you can't work you want to even more than before. 

I think most of us are defined by our jobs whether we like to admit it or not. Quite often one of the first questions you will get asked by a stranger is what your job is and it's a way of describing yourself- I'm Natalie and I work in HR, or rather I used to. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning, to get dressed and leave the house. It's where you mix with other people and that's something I definitely miss. Some days I have no adult conversation at all and I really miss the office banter. It also gives you something to talk about in the evening with your other half, even if it is just to moan that you're overworked and underpaid. 

And while I haven't been to work for a long time I'd always hoped to return to my job and saw that being well enough to work as a sign of things getting back to normal. So to be unemployed as a result of ill health is a double blow. Not only am I not going back to work, but it shows that I haven't recovered; I'm still ill and of no use to society. In fact I now rely on benefits and that's something that I hate. I know I've worked, that I've paid my taxes and I'm entitled to what I receive there's still a part of me that hates it. I want to be able to work and support myself and my family but my body let's me down. 

I'm really going to miss my team. My team was a small group of nutters but I loved them all and they were my nutters. We had some real laughs and I used to like to treat them to chip butties and iced buns (big spender me!). In the past I have taken my camping stove and frying pan into the office and made them pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, bought advent calendars for them at Christmas and generally tried to make the office a bit more fun. I can be quite demanding as a boss but I think they always knew how much I appreciated their hard work, and if they didn't then they do now! There were times when it was an incredibly stressful place to work and I won't miss that side of things, but it wasn't all bad. It was a short commute and I had a degree of flexibility that meant that I was able to pick the kids up from school each day and attend their sports days and school plays etc. 

When I text my Dad to tell him my news he replied saying 'you're free'. My Mum said that it must be a relief and other friends have commented that it's one less thing to worry or to stress over, that something else will come along, that as one door closes... But to be honest I just feel sad. And a burden. I've often felt like I'm a burden to my Hubby because of being unwell but at least I was contributing to the family by bringing in a wage. Now I can't even do that. He's having a rough time at work and I think he's even under even more pressure now that he's the only person bringing in any money. 

I hate not being able to pay my way. I remember feeling like this when I was on maternity leave and not being paid. Hubby and I have never, ever had to worry about money before and now I'm constantly checking the bank account, wondering if I have enough money to go to Tesco or to buy the kids new school shoes. For the first time ever I've not made the voluntary contributions to the school for trips or swimming lessons and it's so embarrassing. I hate it. But unless I suddenly get better I don't know when I will be well enough to get another job, or even if I ever will be. 

So I'm going to try and put all of this behind me and look to the future. My linkedin and Facebook profiles have been updated to show my new unemployed status and I've got to try and concentrate on getting better. Being ill can be a full time job itself (I was going to list being a full time sick person as my new job on Facebook but didn't in the end). There's so much to juggle what with the medical appointments, remembering to take my medication (think it's 15 I'm now on) and managing the repeat prescription requests, liasing with my hospitals and the issues that arise because they're in different counties and primary care trusts and there's the daily battle just to get out of bed. 

So as I bid farewell to paid employment for those of you still working here's a few lessons that I've learnt over the last few months and years. 

1) You are actually just a number on the payroll. As much as your company/boss seem to care about you as a person when push comes to shove you're replaceable and you're not as indispensable as you think you are. 

2) When you're ill or on your death bed you don't look back and wish you had worked more. Spend more time with your family and make changes at work to create a better work-life balance. 

3) Work to live, don't live to work. 

4) Live within your means, have savings and plan for those rainy days because you never know when they will come. 

5) Listen to your gut instinct, it's usually right. Unless you're me. My guts are fucked!

6) Stand by your principles and don't let anyone make you do something that you think is wrong or immoral. Your integrity is something that only you can give up, no one can take it away from you. 

7) Treat people how you would like to be treated. Karma will catch up with those people that have wronged you and give them a taste of their own medicine. 

NB x