Devastated

This mornings ward round has left me devastated. I’ve been told that all elective colorectal surgery has been stopped while the hospital catches up on urgent cancer and other life threatening surgeries. Don’t get me wrong, I know that these surgeries need to take priority as it is literally life or death for the patients involved, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling gutted. The question is now whether I stay in hospital indefinitely until I get the surgery or whether I go home knowing that I will probably bounce back in within days or weeks. 

The gastro dr is worried that if I go home they might not have a bed on the ward when I need to come back in. This would mean I would end up on a ward that doesn’t look after patients with Hickman lines or TPN and I would probably have to come in through A&E instead of coming in straight onto F22. As much as I want to get home to Hubby and the kids I am also a bit scared. When I was brought in a few weeks ago I was so terribly unwell and the thought of going through that again at home is terrifying. Plus I don’t want the kids to have to see me like that. But then I could go home and have a bit of a good run and get to have some quality time with the family. It’s all ifs and buts and maybes. 

The other thing is that I had finally gotten my head around the fact I would be having surgery and when I’ve had a really bad day I’ve been able to tell myself that it won’t be long until the op and I might get fixed. Now I’m going to have to cope with the illness and the not knowing of when the surgery will be. I just feel so fed up. Nothing ever seems to be straightforward and it always seems like one step forward, two steps back.