I haven't posted a blog for a while and one of the reasons is because the blogger app I use on my phone isn't working. It lets me in and then after 4 or 5 seconds it shuts down. I've tried deleting it and reloading it but the same thing still happened, time and time again. Because I write 99% of all my blog posts on my phone it's obviously made it impossible for me to write one. This one has been written on my iPad where the app seems to be working fine- touch wood. I guess if you're able to read this then it has worked and if I've typed this all for it to disappear I will be cursing like I have every time I've tried to use my phone app!
The big wheel
The view of Goose Fair from the top of the wheel
The syringes of porridge like stuff they insert up my bum
A magnet I saw in the shops that pretty sums up my attitude to food
The TV on the kids ward.
Me and my sister on the pedaloes
Cheers!
Bitch face, the nice one, me and our photo bomber
Look how many sweets they got trick or treating!!!
Anyway, by my reckoning it's been about 7 weeks or maybe even longer since I last wrote. Lots has happened since then and I will try my best to update you without this turning into an essay! One of the reasons I like to use my phone is because I can easily upload any photos that I've taken or saved from the tinterweb so I'm now going to have to get them onto my iPad so I can load them up. Do you see the effort involved in doing this? 😉
Since my last post the kids have not only gone back to school but they have also had half term. It seems like I had only just got them into a reasonable routine of getting up, doing homework, going to bed at a decent time and then- bam!- half term is here to reek havoc with all of that. But if I start talking about half term then I will have skipped 6 weeks of my life and as you know it's far from uneventful so there's quite a bit to cover.
Within a week of being back to school Big Fella had a 3 day residential in Derbyshire. Big girl had done something similar and the difference in the size of suitcase required was quite staggering. Boys and girls are definitely different creatures!!! He was so excited about going and insisted that I hid some sweets in his bag for the midnight feasts they would be having! With Big Fella out of the way it gave me a bit of time to overhaul his bedroom. Initially all that should have happened was the double bed in the guest room was coming into his room and his old bed dismantled to be sold on gumtree or eBay. But that was way, way too simple for me and I set about putting pictures up on the wall, getting new bedding, having a complete clear out and spring clean and generally doing everything bar paint the bloody room. I must say though I was dead proud of what I accomplished. I know that's just a Saturday afternoon work for some people but for me everything takes longer because of the pain I'm in and the amount of time I spend on the loo! So to be able to get it all done and ready for a big reveal in time for Big Fella getting home was hard work but satisfying. Thankfully he liked it all and now sleeps in his own room every night instead of sleeping in the guest room which he did before.
The term ticked on and has been filled with the usual parents evening, football matches, netball matches and after school clubs. This is all made harder because Monday to Friday I am essentially a single parent. Hubby works extremely long hours, has a 2 hour commute each way and often stays away from home so I'm pretty much on my own with the kids. Mum and Dad are only round the corner and help out whenever they can but they share the care for my Grandma (who has dementia) with my Aunt and both Mum and Dad still work so they don't actually have that much free time. Unfortunately I have found that in main the people I thought would be around to support me and the kids are not and friends I had hoped to reconnect with are easily bored by unreliable though apologetic little old me. The school mums are lovely and I've been lucky that they accept me for me and understand when I'm too ill to go for coffee or look like death warmed up in the playground (still wearing my pjs on disguised under a long coat and Ugg boots!) There are a few that I have really clicked with and can see a real friendship developing.
One event I had been desperatly hoping to be well enough to go to was Goose Fair. This is a BIG deal in Nottingham- it's one of the biggest fairs in Europe and been going for over 700 years (although I've not been to them all 😉) Luckily there's blue badge parking at the fair because after walking around and standing watching the kids on the rides in the freezing cold there is no way I would be able to last a journey home on the bus. I had a brilliant evening and although I was more of a spectacular than a participant I enjoyed soaking up the atmosphere and the smell of mushy peas (not that I'm able to eat them anymore. If I did I would spend the evening regretting it and the night on the loo in penance!) To be honest I just enjoyed being able to go with Hubby and the kids, (plus his sister, her partner and their 3 kids) and have a fun evening with them and make some memories. That's what I try to do now; I've realised with all I've been through that life is short and that doing things and making memories is way, way more important than having things. The only ride I was able to go on was the giant Big Wheel and even though it was £5 per person it was worth it to get such magnificent views of the fair and to be able to go on something. After all, you can't take it with you (money that is).
The weekends seemed to be busy week after week and following Goose fair we had the christening of Bestie's 4th (and apparently final) baby. I know lots of people would think her mad having 4 kids but I see it as such a blessing. Although Hubby and I had said we were done after having Big Fella, when you're told you can't have more kids you suddenly really want them. Maybe if I hadn't been ill Hubby and I would have eventually decided that the time was right to have more kids; he's one of 4 and always wanted a big family. But the reality of looking after the two we have with me being so unwell has meant that even if we could we probably wouldn't. Maybe this is why I'm hankering after getting a dog. I've a maternal need to look after something and a dog does give you that unconditional love that you get from a baby. Anyway, the christening was a great opportunity to catch up with my coffee group friends. The trouble is though at these sorts of events time always seems to go so fast and I never feel like I've had enough time to properly see everyone before they're all going home and we have to make the trek back up north.
I then had two appointments at St Marks within a week. The first was for a test and the second a clinic appointment with my consultant. The test that I had was perhaps the worst test I have ever have to endure throughout my illness (and that's saying something!!) It's a defacating pouchogram which basically involved me shitting into a bucket whilst being X-rayed. Yep, it really was as humiliating as it sounds. I had to first drink a contrast liquid which lined my bowel so it would show up on the X-ray. Then after stripping from the waist down I had the displeasure of having two syringes full of a porridge like substance inserted up my arse. I then had to expel this (read-have a poo) whilst the radiographer took a series of X-Ray's. Nice.
The yellow bin is the 'toilet' for the pouchogram and the machine to the right of the photo is the X-ray machine. What you can't see is the doctor behind the screen that will operate the machine whilst I poop.
Me and my fantastic friend Kitty showing our dislike of the liquid you have to drink prior to the pouchogram test. It really is disgusting. It's not milk but more of a watery, chalky, aniseed flavour cup of disgustingness.
The only benefit to this test was that I got to see my amazing friend Kitty. Living close to the hospital she very kindly met me at the tube station after my trip down down from Nottingham by train and whisked me to St Marks where we spent every available minute talking and catching up. We did the same again the following week and were probably the only people who didn't care how far behind the clinic was running. Because Kitty has the same illness as me and has had the same operations it means she has a unique insight into my life. I'm so lucky we were put in beds next to each other. She comes into my appointments with me because my memory isn't great from all the medications I have to take. She will take notes for me and generally be my short term memory! Unfortunately for me I was in trouble with the dietician for the amount of weight I have put on. Having an extremely sedate lifestyle and eating the kind of foods that are calorie dense but low in fibre and therefore easier on my bowels has lead to the weight piling on. There's also an element of emotional eating and I eat when I'm bored or lonely or fed up which is most of the time! I think addressing this will be the key to me losing weight but I'm not too sure how I will do it. I feel trapped because I can't exercise as it leaves me so exhausted I would need to go to bed for hours to recover and because I feel fed up about this and other things I think 'ooh, I will just have that cake to cheer myself up. Better have the other one too because then it's not sat on its own in the packet' and then I feel fed up about how much Ive eaten and how much I weigh so I end up eating to cheer myself up and so on and so forth. That's how the weight has piled on. I'm pretty sure it won't be as easy to lose as it is to put on and I must get myself out of the trap of thinking 'one more won't hurt' because it does and I probably shouldn't have had the one in the first place. I would love to empty the cupboards of all the treats and junk food but I'm not the only person living in the house and why should they be denied a treat because I have no will power?
As well as the visits to St Marks I also had to make a trip to A&E but this time it was for Big Girl, not me. On the day of the christening she complained of a sore throat and not feeling well. By the time we had made the 3 hour journey back to Nottingham her temperature had rocketed and because it wasn't coming down with the usual double whammy of Calpol and Nurofen I was a little bit concerned. She spent the night in my bed where neither of us got much sleep and in the morning I was lucky enough to get an appointment at the GP surgery to see the nurse. She immediately called the doctor through as Big Girl had a raging fever and her throat was so sore she was unable to even open her mouth. They thought she might have a Quincy which I had never heard of. It's where the tonsils become so infected and inflamed that they stick to the throat wall. In some cases it can require surgery so I was panicking a little bit as a drove to the hospital. Hubby was at work and as he doesn't have a car (his car failed its MOT) he uses mine for work so I had to ring Mum and borrow hers. Thank goodness she had put me on the insurance a few weeks earleir otherwise I would have been calling a cab and stressing while I waited for it. Anyway we got to A&E and checked in and then we waited. And waited. And waited. Seems all the ill children who had lasted over the weekend to then go and see the GP on Monday morning were in the waiting room with us. As we waited Big Girl got worse and couldn't even swallow her own spit; instead she had to let it dribble out into a bowl and mop up the drips with tissues. But when her breathing started to become affected she was soon found a bed. It was heartbreaking to watch her so ill and very strange to be in hospital and me not to be the one that was lying on the bed. She was hooked up to a drip, given IV antibiotics and I was told that she was going to be admitted. I was shocked- 24 hours before we had been at Bestie's christening and now I was being told that she was so ill she needed to be admitted to the children's ward. When I rang Hubby he said "now you now what it's like for me" which was not what I needed to hear at the time with me in Nottingham alone with our sick daughter and him at work in Scunthorpe but on reflection I guess the experience did give me an insight into what he goes through repeatedly. It was horrible to be so helpless and not to be able to take the pain away was heartbreaking.
But I have to say that the kids ward was amazing!!!!! Nothing like the adult wards at all. It was brightly decorated with lots of Disney pictures on the walls. The nurses were great with Big Girl and also made sure that I was ok. I slept on one of the fold up guest beds that people have in their houses for sleepovers and Christmas and there was a kitchen where I could make tea/coffee, heat food up in a microwave and a fridge to store stuff in. But what made it vastly different to adult wards was the amount of things there was to keep busy. There were a number TVs on wheels that you could borrow for free, none of this £10 a day malarkey here! They had built in DVD players and there were DVDs that you could borrow, again costing nothing. There was a playroom at the end of the ward with toys and books, stuff to do art projects with and a games console. There was even a specified play worker on the ward for so many hours a day. And what shocked Big Girl the most was that there were teachers on the ward and if the child was well enough they were expected to do some work. The look on her face when the teacher set her maths work was a picture. The idea was that the kids were kept busy, their minds active and not dwelling on their ill health. If this was rolled out across adult wards, particularly those that have long stays and elderly/dementia patients it could have a massive impact on not only the enjoyment of a stay in hospital but help with the depression that can sink in when the highlight of the day is the tea trolley. But it would cost money and that's something that the NHS hasn't got so patients are left languishing in bed for most of the day, paying more than prisoners do for the privilege of watching TV and having little or no mental stimulation.
Back to Big Girl...Luckily with all the drugs they pumped into her she bounced back pretty quickly and the next day we were able to go home. She had the next 3 days off school and was gutted as she missed playing for the school football team in a tournament. She had wanted to go in but there was no way that was happening. She went in on the Friday but was extremely tired when she got home and spent most of the weekend in bed. The experience obviously had left her weak and susceptible as the following week she had tonsillitis again- just before school broke up for half term. Luckily not bad enough that she needed to go back in but I had her down at the doctors sharpish to get antibiotics and to have it recorded so should she keep getting them we could use the information to get her tonsils out.
We didn't have the best start to half term as she still wasn't herself but that didn't stop it from being busy. The kids and I had a day in Skegness with my sister (the northern equivalent of Southend for my southern readers) where we visited a seal sanctuary, had a pedalo ride, candy floss, donuts and chips! Although it was late October the weather was unexpectedly mild and it was dry so we had the best conditions for our day trip.
The super cute seals at the seal sacntuary in Skegness. That's almost a tongue twister!
Tuesday I had all Hubby's side of the family round for dinner as his brother was visiting. He's a teacher and so his his wife and they both had different half terms so he decided to head home to Nottingham for a few days with his 18 month old daughter. We miss them so much as they're in Liverpool and each time we see her she's grown and she's doing things she couldn't do the last time we saw her. I guess that's how my parents felt about my kids when we lived in Hertfordshire. It was great to have a houseful and the kids all loved seeing their cousin, especially as now she was able to play and wasn't just a cute baby that did nothing.
I spent Wednesday morning frantically cleaning the house day for the arrival of our visitors from down South. Two of my friends were coming with each of their two kids, two of which were Big Fellas best friends. He was so excited as so far none of the kids that have been up to visit have been just his friends; they're either Big Girls or joint friends and I knew that he had really excited to see these two kids. The mums were very close friends of mine too so I was looking forward to the 3 days they were going to be with us and planned to do all the touristy things but also make time for a proper catch up.
They ended up arriving a bit later than anticipated so I faced a couple of hours of "Are they nearly here yet?" and "When will be here?" over and over again. But when they arrived it was so nice to see Big Fella with his friends. There was no awkwardness or shyness, they just started playing straight away. Later in the afternoon after Nerf wars where we seemed to be the target half the time we took them all to Planet Bounce, a big indoor trampoline place that they love and following that we went for dinner at Pizza Express. A thoroughly enjoyable evening was made better with the introduction of champers when we got home and got the kids into pjs and the bedrooms. I never drink any more but I do make the exception for bubbles. I knew it wouldn't agree with me and would cause me pain later that night but my 'sod it' attitude was out in force ( this is the same one that screws up my eating and weight loss attempts. Note to self: Must get it under control!)
The next day Big Girl had a trip to Cadbury World with Guides so the rest of us went to visit Greens Windmill. There was a biscuit making session on so the kids made biscuits using the flour from the windmill and while they were in the oven we went inside the windmill and then let the kids run off some energy on the park. We then had a picnic lunch- yes it was October but it wasn't raining and we were wrapped up warm so why not?- and collected the biscuits. We drove to Colwick Woods where we rambled through the muddy footpaths for an hour. The plan to wear the kids out to give us adults an easy evening backfired as we were exhausted but the kids were wanting to do another circuit of the woods. We must be getting old! We got back and had hot chocolates and I went to bed for an hour to recover. That night as soon as we got the kids settled in bed we all bid each other good night and hit the hay ourselves, exhausted from all the fresh air.
Friday we caught the bus into Nottingham city centre which was a big deal for the kids. Down South public transport isn't so great outside London so the kids very rarely got to go on a bus so they were quite excited. We were visiting the castle as I had picked up a flyer advertising the Robin Hood Pagaent which sounded great and perfect for my visitors. But as we walked round the castle nothing was set up. I asked in the castle why that was the case and was told that it didn't start until the evening and that I wasn't the first person to ask and then complain about the misleading marketing that simply said Friday to Sunday on it. We did get refunds though so we had managed to have an hour at the castle for free so it wasn't all that bad. We had a walk around the market that they had on in the town centre and then it was time to head home so that they could pack up and head off. Me and the kids were sad to see them go as we had really enjoyed our time with them and we missed them greatly.
But we didn't have time to mope around as Halloween was only a few days away and we had costumes to sort out. This year was the first year the kids had gone trick or treating. I'm not a fan of Halloween at all and think that Trick or Treating is glorified begging so had never allowed the kids to do it. Where we lived before it wasn't really a biig thing and up until now they had been quite content with going to the Halloween disco at school but they begged and begged me to let them go Trick or Treating this year. My parents decorate their front door and put sweets inside balloons that the kids have to pop in order to get them out so asked my two if they wanted to go up and help get everything ready the night before. I had already said that they could go Trick or Treating with my Dad but then Big Girl asked if her friend could go with her and to make sure Big Fella wasn't left out I arranged for his best friend and brother to come with us too. This now meant that I had to go too but there was no way I was dressing up. I bloody hate dressing up and avoid fancy dress parties like the plague. I was amazed by the effort some households went to and the sheer number of people out Trick or Treating. We must have visited going on for 50 houses and the kids had the biggest bag of sweets.
The kids had a great time but the highlight of the evening for me was watching them go to a house a few doors up from my parents house. I had already seen that the wife was answering the door and giving out sweets whilst her husband hid, dressed as a scary clown, behind the car on the driveway and jumped out to scare them once they pressed the doorbell. We sent the kids up the drive and stood wetting ourselves when the clown jumped out and frightened them all. None of them had nightmares so it was ok. The kids all had a great time but I have to say that going out in the freezing cold and trawling the streets was not my idea of fun. I would rather have bought them £5 of sweets each and stayed inside in the warm but apparently that makes me the Halloween equivalent of a Bah Humbug!
And talking of Bah Humbug, now that Halloween is over I'm thinking about Christmas. It's not that far away and I haven't even started the shopping except for a few stocking fillers. The kids keep changing their minds about what they want and I daren't buy anthing yet incase they change it again. We went to Smyths one Sunday afternoon to look around and we took loads of pictures of things that might be good for other people we have to buy for but didn't get many ideas for my two. I've asked them on a number of occasions to sit and write a letter to Father Christmas but they're not interested which tells me that there's nothing they are absolutely desperate to receive or that they're so spoilt they have everything they could possibly need or want already. That makes me feel terrible as I want them to appreciate the value of money and never wanted to raise spoilt brats but I have terrible problems with guilt related to my health problems and the time I spend in hospital away from them and the time that I'm not well enough to play with them, or take them out. I've spent vast chunks of their childhood either in hospital or in bed and to make up for the fact I often can't give them my time I give them things. I get double pleasure as I have the fun of buying the gift and the joy of giving but in the back of my mind I know that they don't need stuff, they need me.
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