Sorry I've been quiet...

Sorry I haven't blogged for the last couple of weeks. Sadly my family has had to cope with the death of my Grandfather. I'm really struggling to even write this as words cannot explain how I've been feeling and the effects that this has had on my entire family.

Firstly, let me tell you a bit about my Grandad. In my eyes he was an amazing man. He had a huge influence on me growing up and although I knew he was old (he was 86) I childishly thought that he would live forever. You see he was this big, tall, strong man. He had been a miner for most of his life so he knew what hard work was. But he was also a very caring, gentle and loving man too. I spent lots of time with him as a child going blackberry picking, walking along the river, discovering secret paths in the woods, growing vegetables in his garden and going to the local market. We were always outdoors, always having an adventure of one kind or another. We did simple things, things that didn't cost anything but have created priceless memories and traditions that are continued still today with my own children.

So the death of this wonderful man has left a gaping hole in our family. My mum, along with my Aunty, has had to move in with my Grandma as she suffers with dementia and requires 24 hour care. The two of them are exhausted looking after her; it makes you wonder how on earth my Grandad coped on his own.

This is my first close hand experience of death. Luckily I've never lost a close family member as an adult so the world of funerals is new to me. Gosh there's a lot to organise. I wanted to do so much to help but my bloody body limited me yet again. I still need an afternoon nap and am on mega amounts of medication so I just don't have the stamina that other people have. It's so frustrating seeing everyone else running around doing things with lists as long as your arm and not being able to help in the way that you would like.

I think (actually, I know) that I've been prevented from doing certain jobs or from getting involved in things because they don't want me to get ill or too worn out. While I understand the sentiment and do appreciate it sometimes I feel like I'm treated like a child. I wish I could just be left to decide myself what I can and can't do. I know in the past that on a good day I've done way too much resulting in me being in bed for the rest of the week but I have finally learnt my lesson and I pace myself now. It's only taken 7 years!!

So because of what's been going on at home any spare time I've had is spent supporting my family or trying to get sorted out with the move. Grandad passed away the day before we moved to Nottingham. We spent the bank holiday weekend in Nottingham and on Monday I sat by his bed and said goodbye. I told him that I had to go home to get everything sorted out for the the move but that I would be back on Thursday. "Wait for me to get back Grandad" I asked him but he slowly shook his head and said that he would be gone by then. And he was right.

Thank goodness I had that time with him to say goodbye otherwise I would have been devastated. I had started to write a blog post about me travelling back to Nottingham that weekend because, as you would expect, it was not without it's hiccups. Maybe I will try to finish it because grandad loved to hear of my exploits and I know that this would have made him laugh.

It hasn't really hit me that grandad has gone. I walk into his house and still expect to see him sitting in his chair ready to jump up and put the kettle on. But because of being in Nottingham for the funeral I don't really feel like I've moved either. I would have come up and stayed for the funeral and for a while afterwards to help mum out so it feels like I'm here just doing that. It's very strange to think of my house, left show home spotless incase the estate agent rings with a viewing, just there. No longer a home because all the love and laughter has moved somewhere else. So at the moment I feel like I'm neither here nor there. But I guess I will soon adjust to life in Nottingham just as we will all start to slowly adjust to life with grandad.

NB x

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More than just a bag lady

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