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To the lady who did my PIP assessment...

To the lady that did my PIP assessment today I just wanted to say this:

You introduced yourself and said you were a nurse. Well shame on you. Nurses are supposed to care for patients, to help them get better and have their best interests at heart. Do you think you did any of that today? Let me tell you the answer: you did not. You cannot call questioning me for 2 hours on every aspect of my life nursing. I call it interrogation. I understand that you need to talk through my illnesses, my medications and the effect it has on my life. But where was the compassion? You had a poker face throughout and never once sympathised, empathised or apologised for the intrusion into my private life. You never even batted an eyelid as I sat there sobbing after having to reveal the most humiliating aspects of my condition and describing what it feels like to hit rock bottom. Well screw you lady. 

What did you learn from me today that I hadn't already written down in the ridiculously long application form? Nothing. Do you know that filling that out took me weeks because trying to complete such a lengthy document when you're ill and drugged up to the eyeballs is a horribly daunting, almost impossible task? Do you know it's been 7 months since I posted that form off? How long has it sat on your desk I wonder? How much of it did you read before meeting me? If you did read it, did you judge me just from what you read? What preconceived ideas of me did you have before you had even met me?

Do you know I agonised over what to wear today? If I get dressed in nice clothes will it look like I'm not ill? Or if I go in my comfortable joggers will you think I'm trying to look the part, trying to convince you that I'm unwell. If I wear makeup will I look too healthy? If I don't will you think I've deliberately tried to look my worse? I know you're going to pass a judgement on me within the first 5 seconds that you see me so do you understand why it's so important that I get it right? What did you think when you saw me? Maybe I'm thinking too much and actually you couldn't care less. Maybe you were actually thinking about what you needed to get from Tesco on the way home from work or the laundry you need to catch up on but I would bet my life savings that you made notes on my appearance and that it will form part of your report. Otherwise what's the point in wanting to see me? Surely all the information you could possibly need to make an informed decision could come from my specialists, my consultants, my GP, my medical notes? But I know that actually you see people like me for no other reason than to see if I'm telling the truth or trying to fiddle the system. 

I'm not stupid. I know that the questions you asked me today were not designed to gather further information. You were trying to trip me up. To see if the story I told you today is the same as I wrote down months ago. Well it is because I'm telling the truth. I don't suppose you care that going through all this is heartbreaking for me? To have you, a stranger, summarise my life and confirm that yes, it really is a shitty existence. Thanks. Tell me something I don't know. 

When you go home tonight to your nice normal life I will go home to my crappy life and continue to try to survive each day. Just like I told you earlier and just as I wrote on my application form. It's not like I'm complaining of backache- I have a chronic life long disease with complications that are life limiting. Only a few weeks ago I was told by a pain specialist that I had reduced my life expectancy by 10 years because of the medication that I take in order to try and have a life today. Can you imagine what it felt like to hear that? It felt like being hit in the chest by a ten ton weight. That's what. The realisation that by fighting for your today's you're actually reducing the number of tomorrow's you will have. But don't worry. As long as you ticked all your boxes today that's ok. Because that's all today was. Surely even you can admit that? It was nothing more than you going through the motions, asking the questions you have to ask that are listed on the computer screen, making your notes and passing your judgement on me. 

I wonder if you know how much I have riding on this assessment, what it means to me? If I'm awarded a PIP then that means I will have enough money to get a cleaner, maybe even an ironing lady. I'm not too lazy or proud to do these jobs myself. I'm ill, in too much pain and suffering from such extreme fatigue that I can't do it no matter how much I want to.  The spirit is willing but the body is weak. The difference that those would make to my life would be amazing. It would mean that I would be able to spend my energy on my Hubby and the kids instead of attempting to struggle with housework and being so exhausted that I fall asleep in my dinner. Or it would mean that after working a 60 hour week Hubby wouldn't have to come home and do the ironing, the laundry, the housework with me sitting watching and feeling guilty. It would mean we would be free to try and rebuild our family after the most horrendous few years. I know I'm only a name on a list to you and that you will forget me almost instantly but you and the report that you write will have long lasting implications for me for years to come. 

So please, think carefully about what you write. Don't churn out bog standard phrases. Don't rush it to get home to your dinner. And please believe me. Everything I've told you is the truth. Sadly I have no faith in the system that you are part of. I think that the government is trying to reduce it's welfare bill and targeting the sick and disabled is an easy option as quite often we are unable to fight back. Are you proud to be party to this system? I have no idea why you would want to have any part of if. Is it because it's easier to sit in an office for 9 hours a day than to slog your guts out doing real nursing on a ward where 12 hour shifts are the minimum? It seems to me that you and all the other nurses like you have sold your soul to the ATOS devil. I my opinion you have no right to call yourself a nurse because today you didn't nurse me. You didn't even give a shit. 

NB x
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