Struggling

I've been struggling. I thought I was just tired last week after Hubby being out for the night but I reckon I must have had some kind of bug. I spent 4 days in bed feeling totally exhausted and just doing simple things like going to the loo or hooking up to my feed left me in pain and feeling as though I had run a marathon. Friends told me that there was a virus doing the rounds at school but I wasn't sure that was what it was until Big Girl felt ill. I know I must have been feeling crappy because I couldn't even be bothered to see Bestie. I didn't text her and if she text me I just replied by telling her I'm too ill to do anything. That's true but usually she would come round and we would just sit and watch tv together but I didn't even want to do that. I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep. 

Big Girl came home from school on Friday complaining of headache and a sore body. She had some medicine, put her pjs on and got into bed with me and we watched tv. Her temperature kept going really high so Hubby said he would sleep in her bed so that I could keep her with me and check on her throughout the night. 

She eventually drifted off to sleep about 10pm but was very fitful and then woke up at 2am. I gave her some more medicine and got her a drink but she was tearful, complaining of the headache and pains again. After nearly an hour I gave up on trying to get her to sleep and stuck the tv on. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it) there were no kids programmes on at that time of night so we ended up watching trashy programmes like 4 Weddings and Judge Judy. She was still awake at 6.30am and said that she felt better so she wanted to go downstairs and play with her toys. Off she went but by this point I was feeling the effects of having been up half the night and I was desperate for more sleep. 

The weekend continued like that with her having a few hours where she felt ill, with a dreadfully high temperature and aching limbs and then she would pick up and be right as rain. So when on Sunday afternoon Big Fella had a bowling party to go to I didn't think anything wrong in taking her with me. Some of her friends were going to be there as their younger siblings were also invited to the party and we booked a lane for the big ones to bowl too. 

Usually I love going to kids parties as it's a chance to catch up with the other Mummies while the kids play but that day  I just couldn't cope with it. The bowling alley was very noisy and busy and a load of traveller boys were demonstrating their strength on the one of the arcade machines where the aim is to punch it as hard as you can while a gaggle of traveller girls looked on giggling. 

I was feeling very anti-social. I didn't want to answer questions about my health because I'm fed up of taking about it. I was also feeling pretty dreadful with this virus thing and to be honest I would have prefered to have been in bed but kids parties are really not Hubby's thing! The other topic of conversation revolved around Hubby's job, or possible lack of one in the future. Hubby works for a very large retailer who have just announced the closure of the Head Office site that he works on. We don't know how or if he will be affected but it possible that in a few months time he will be made redundant and then neither of us will be working! So it's hardly the happiest of conversation topics to sit discussing on a Sunday afternoon is it?!

The other things mums discuss is of course other Mums and were chatting about this and that, this person and that and to be honest I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. I've been away from the school for so long, either not being well enough to do the school run or being unable to drive so I was completely out if the loop with all the playground shenanigans. I find that the parents, mums in particular, are worse than the kids when it comes to fallouts, gossip, fighting ect and trying to keep up with the latest who's friends with who is exhausting. So I don't bother. 

So while they chatted away I just sat, watching the kids bowl and in my own little world. When I'm out I feel like I don't really belong anymore. It's almost like I'm just visiting as I'm never well for long and in the back of my mind I know that I will probably end up in hospital sometime soon. I was trying to explain this to Hubby when I got home from the party but I'm not sure he really gets it. He just wanted me to go and see the GP in case I was "going a bit mental" but I know I'm no more mental than I am usually. I just don't have the energy to make small talk and pretend to give a toss about stuff that I really don't. 

I was also supposed to go out for dinner at the local curry house with my coffee group Mums on Friday night but with me and Big Girl feeling ill I didn't go. As lovely as it would have been to see everyone I also couldn't face sitting down and only being able to eat plain, white rice while everyone tucked into a lovely curry, nan bread, poppadoms and all the lovely chutneys. Plus I would have had to go out hooked up to my feed or would have hooked up late and then suffered as a result so sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the hassle. When I'm in one of my down phases everything just seems hard work and I have to remind myself how far I've come. I just get frustrated that I'm never going to get well. Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone has their problems but I would like to face my problems with good health! 

I've just booked a hotel for a friends wedding in Leeds. I'm really excited about the wedding and seeing my friend in her dress like any girl would be but there's also the horrible feelings of dread and fear. I worry about whether I will be well enough to go. If I'm not, that's £130 wasted on paying the hotel, money that we could use on a million other things. I can't tell you how many hotels I've paid for but not slept in, the hen dos that I've never made it to, parties and weddings that I've missed. 

Then I worry that I will be ok and travel up to Leeds only to take poorly and end up in a hospital in Yorkshire, miles away from home. Or that I will collapse or something at the reception and end up spoiling it for everyone. Then it occurred to me that I'm going to need to take my feed with me and then there's the question of where will I store it for 2 days? I can't trust the hotel to keep it in their fridge incase anything happens to it but I can't go without either. I've then got to make sure I've got all my medication too. Most people would love 2 nights away in a hotel without the kids but for me all the fun is sucked out of it before we've even packed our bags! But I'm determined not to let this illness bear me this year and have even booked a hotel in the Lakes in March for another's friends little boys christening. I'm already thinking about storing my feed but I'm trying really hard not to worry about (at least until a bit nearer the time!)

NB x